New research identifies the types of dishonesty that occur in a relationship – and their consequences

Most people will say that honesty is the foundation of a healthy romantic relationship. Yet very few people can say that they haven’t, at some point, hidden information, told a white lie, or avoided a difficult truth with a partner.

Based on three studies that combine qualitative interviews, large surveys, and daily diary data from couples, a new PhD thesis from the University of Copenhagen identifies the types of dishonesty that occur between romantic partners and suggests why dishonesty does not always have the same consequences for couples.

“My research shows that dishonesty often leads to doubt and distrust that are harmful to a relationship. But also, paradoxically, that dishonesty has the potential to become an opportunity for learning and growth,” Rachele Mazzini, author of the PhD thesis, explains.

“What is really important to understand is that dishonesty doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It is embedded in the dynamics of a specific relationship and is often the result of recurring relational patterns rather than isolated acts,” she adds.

Frameworks and patterns of dishonesty

In one study from the PhD thesis, Rachele Mazzini and her collaborators asked 656 American participants to describe an incident involving dishonesty to their current or former partner. Based on an analysis of the answers, the researchers were able to establish a comprehensive framework for understanding dishonesty in romantic relationships, detailing the forms, content, dominant motives, and consequences of dishonesty.

The framework helped the researchers identify patterns that tend to appear when partners are dishonest with each other.

One common pattern is the so-called “vicious cycle” in which participants describe how they take revenge on their partners’ dishonesty by being dishonest themselves – and vice versa – or they need to go on being dishonest to cover for a previous act of dishonesty (e.g., a lie) .

“Another pattern is what we call ”The Slowburn” where participants tell that being dishonest with their partner initially made them feel excited but, as time passed, they would develop feelings of shame and guilt. This negatively influenced both their own and their partner’s well-being,” Rachele Mazzini notes and suggests:

“Even though we haven’t tested them in professional contexts, we think that identification of these patterns may prove useful for therapists who work with couples experiencing problems in their relationship.”

Positive dishonesty

The framework of dishonesty also points to the fact that some forms of dishonesty may be motivated by self‑protection or by a desire to protect the partner.

“People often assume that dishonesty is always destructive. But our findings suggest that some forms of so‑called prosocial dishonesty may function as a way to maintain the relationship, for example by avoiding unnecessary conflict or emotional harm,” Rachele Mazzini points out.

And not only can dishonesty be rooted in positive motives – it can also prove to be a crucial turning point for a couple:

“In some cases, perhaps somewhat surprisingly, couples actually experience the dishonesty as a wake-up call which prompts them to work out their problems, which they would not have done otherwise.”