Wants, fantasies, desires. There are many different ways of talking about our preferences in the bedroom. Nevertheless, a lot of us have a difficult time talking about sex.
24 per cent of the Danes find it ‘very difficult’ or ‘quite difficult’ to talk about sex, fantasies and desires with their partner. And almost half of the population, 41 per cent, would like to be better at it, research from the University of Copenhagen shows.
A large part of the population would like to be better at talking to their partner about sex.
“A large part of the population would like to be better at talking to their partner about sex. They say that they rarely talk about sex, and they are dissatisfied with the quality of the sexual communication,” says Associate Professor Camilla Øverup, who researches sexuality and relationships at the Department of Public Health at the University of Copenhagen.
Good communication about sex is essential to our sex life as well as many other aspects of life, Camilla Øverup explains:
“We know that good communication is associated with higher sexual well-being and relationship satisfaction, and we have found that it is related to our general well-being. So, if you are happy with your relationship and with your sex life, you are likely to be happy with your life in general.”
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So why does a quarter of the Danish population find it difficult to talk about their sexual desires? According to Camilla Øverup, it is to do with the fact that sex can be a vulnerable topic for some people.
“In Denmark, we like to consider ourselves open-minded when it comes to sex. And we probably are – at an abstract level. But talking about sex in general and talking about sex with your partner are two different things, because more is at stake here,” Camilla Øverup says and adds:
“It can be extremely difficult to talk about something you’d like to try or something you don’t like, because it can affect your relationship in the long run. For instance, some people don’t like to admit that they enjoy sex toys. They may be afraid of how their partner will react or what they will think of them. It is really difficult to navigate in this field.”
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Fortunately, all’s not lost for those who don’t know how to talk about sex. Research can provide tips and tricks for boosting the conversation with your partner, Camilla Øverup explains.
First, start by creating a good atmosphere.
“You need to focus on creating an open atmosphere. For instance, make sure you are both comfortable and look at each other. It is a good idea to sit face to face. You need to feel connected, so sitting next to each other is not ideal,” she says.
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Second, start from your own point of view.
“Don’t attack your partner. If the other person feels offended, they will shut down and be on their guard, and that is not conducive to a responsive environment. It is a good idea to focus on ‘I statements’, saying things like ‘I feel’ or ‘I sense’ or ‘I would like’. Try to be constructive and focus on yourself instead of saying ‘you are really bad at’,” says Camilla Øverup.
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Finally, Camilla Øverup says, it is important to make it clear that you are addressing a specific topic and not criticising your partner in general.
“When you receive negative feedback relating to sex, it may feel like a significant part of who you are, and you are therefore likely to feel vulnerable and threatened. If that happens, you will probably shut down and not be as responsive. That is why it is a good idea to tell your partner that you love them and that you value your relationship. To make it clear that the purpose of the conversation is not to criticise,” she says and adds:
“You could use sentences like: ‘I really value our relationship, I think we are good together, and I love the things we do. Sometimes I think our sex life tends to focus on one of us and not the other. And I would like both of us to feel more pleasure. Would you be open to trying something new?’”